Some people have it, some people don’t, and some are self-aware and try to be compassionate even if it isn’t in their make-up.  I consider myself a compassionate person.  I can only assume that my upbringing and life experiences with all walks of life have given me this quality.

I’ve been in that stalled Taurus wagon, in the middle of an intersection, while cars were speeding around me honking, and people were flipping me off.  I’ve been to Africa and witnessed the poorest of the poor and the suffering that goes along with it.  I come from humble beginnings and spent my first 9 years sharing a tiny room with my 2 older brothers in a mobile home.  Though we always had what we needed, plenty of food on the table with love overflowing our little home, we didn’t have much extra to take a Hawaiian family vacation or rent a beach house in the summer.   Instead we went camping and took day trips to the lake, which we loved.  My parents were always helping others out even though they didn’t have the means.  Their example has definitely filtered into my life, as well as my brother’s lives.  I find myself feeling sympathetic for those who are broken down on the freeway (and causing traffic like you’ve never seen before) and to the elderly people that have to work at Walmart for one reason or another.  I think that those who are not compassionate have not experienced these types of situations or have a difficult time having perspective.

The other day I took my little guy to the park, which is never an easy task.  As we always do these days, we discussed what would happen if we hit or push anyone at the park and there is an understanding that we have to leave immediately.  Luckily there weren’t many people there, which makes it much easier to manage his shenanigans.  So here I am, 33 weeks pregnant, chasing him around the park, making sure he doesn’t jump off a structure, or worse yet, push someone off of one.  We head to the sand pit and there are toys spread about that someone had left behind, so my son has naturally gathered them all for himself.  We were working on sharing a few with another little girl, which is tricky for him, and here comes a little boy, bee lining it straight towards the pile of sand toys.  Of course, he picks one up and my son screams, “no, mine” and bops him on the head.  The mom is appalled, scoops up her son and says something along the lines of “oh, hell no” and storms off. I can only assume that her little guy gets picked on and this is her way of separating him from a situation or maybe they are home bodies and she doesn’t quite know how to react (let me note that I am at a loss for how to react at least multiple times a day).  If she would have used this as a teaching moment, she could have given her son the words he needed, “no, don’t hit, I don’t like that” or “can I play with a toy” before grabbing it from underneath someone’s nose.  If she would have stayed, my son would have apologized, I would have modeled good behavior so he could learn, and then we would have left the park immediately, just as we often have to do.  We did leave, and then we endured a 45 minute tantrum in the car.  I really needed some compassion from that mother, on that particular day.

I’ve definitely had parents be less than understanding when their kid gets bopped or pushed by my son, and it’s frustrating every time.  Mostly because I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to correct his behaviors and I just want people to try and be COMPASSIONATE.  Not everyone has the kid that is a natural sharer, loves taking turns with others, and is a great listener.  For some kids, every situation is challenging in one way or another, but the only way for them to learn and improve is by experiencing these situations over and over again while their caregivers remain consistent with their discipline tactics.

We have surrounded ourselves with a fantastic group of friends that have children, all of whom have been victims of my sons impulses, and I can truly feel their compassion towards us.  They know that we are trying to figure this out and have remained by our sides, without making us feel shamed.  I am so thankful for these friends and their understanding that we are doing the best we can and one day, we will all be past it, watching our kids play on the playground while we sit on benches, drinking our Starbucks.  That’ll be the day 🙂

As parents, we are all in this together.  For most of us, it is hard, we don’t know if we are doing the right thing, but are trying our best.  So to the woman in the park, “I’m sorry that my son hit your son, I’ve been there before and know that you just want to protect your kiddo, but next time, let’s use this as a teaching moment together, share a laugh about how crazy toddlers are, and have compassion for one another.”

Yep, that’s what you think it is.

Sometimes it is impossible to find humor in a crappy situation or experience (unless you’re my dad and can make people laugh at a funeral).  Getting slapped in the face by your 2 year old,  dealing with insurance companies and incompetent people (currently on hold now while typing this post), your car breaking down…there’s just nothing comical about these happenings.

When you are in the thick of it, it’s so hard to look at the bright side and muster up a good laugh, though these are the times when we need it the most.  It’s important to be able to recognize when we are on the verge and in need of a good belly laugh.  This is when we should go to dinner with that friend that understands us and can give us that gift of extreme sarcasm or tell us a story that gets us rolling on the floor.  It’s incredible how something  so small can literally make everything feel right in the world.

Laughter is a natural medicine; it releases endorphins in our bodies and makes us happy.  I remember my mom mentioning a friend who was receiving chemotherapy and was using laughter therapy in her recovery.  Not only is the act of laughing mentally beneficial, (lifts up your spirits and reduces stress) it is physically beneficial as well.  I’ve definitely woken up after a fun night with friends and been sore from laughing so hard.  I’m quite certain that we all need a little more laughter in our lives these days.

I can rely on my husband to give some comic relief in the middle of a frustrating situation, and I have a few girl friends who can make me laugh at the drop of a hat.  Who makes you laugh…spend more time with those people and maybe less time with the people that don’t bring any humor to the table or who drain that sparkle out of you.

If you aren’t surrounded by funny people, or have a hard time finding humor in day to day life, search for some comedians on YouTube that can knock your socks off or maybe even a podcast you can listen to on your commute or while your following your toddler around the house (insert earbuds, they’ll have no idea).

Get your laugh on this week!

My baby started preschool today.  I’d be lying if I said I’m going to miss him so much  and am not ready for him to grow up.  I’m actually ecstatic for him to gain some independence and rely on others to teach him about the ways of the world.  I’ll finally have a few hours a few times a week to grocery shop alone, clean up our home, and start getting ready for our new little guy.

Even though I am excited for this time, I just dropped him off and balled like a baby in the car.  I am having unexpected feelings of worry.  Will he get the attention that he needs?  What if he gets in trouble for something that isn’t his fault?  What if he gets his feelings hurt and he just wants his mommy? What if he learns bad behaviors from the older kids?  Are his teachers going to like him or is he going to be “that” kid? Will they give him the words he doesn’t yet have the ability to express?  Maybe he’ll be a goodie two-shoes or a teachers pet 🙂

After my son was born I asked my mother-in-law when I would stop worrying about him (this was when I was staying up all night staring at the baby monitor), she said, “NEVER!”  Now I get it.  As parents, it’s in our nature to worry about our children and hope that we have prepared them enough for the world.  There will be many stages of letting go.  For some it is 6 weeks after they have their babies and are forced to drop their infants off at day care, for others it is starting preschool, and for all of us, it will be when they go to high school and then hopefully off to college.  You just have to hope and pray that all of the values you have tried to instill in them will help them choose their friends wisely, be kind to others, and make good decisions in their lives.  It’s heart wrenching stuff, especially knowing that they won’t always have the best teachers at each grade level, they will come across people that do not have their best interest at heart, and they will make many mistakes along the way, just as we once did.

We must find peace in knowing that we do the best that we can.  It’s not always perfect, but  as long as they feel our unconditional love and support along the way, they will be a-okay…right?

When you are expecting your first child, you collect all types of books to help guide you through parenting…sleep books (I have 8,462 of these), discipline books, what to expect books etc.  Many of these books ask you to identify your child’s temperament and as a first time parent, it’s sometimes unclear where they might fit.  I’d say that I finally realized that my child was of the the spirited temperament when he was about 1 and the biting began!

Now that I am aware, I see all of the signs from the moment he was handed to me.  Mary Sheedy, the author of Raising Your Spirited Child, says it perfectly in the first paragraph of her book, “The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is more.  They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children.  All children possess these characteristics, but spirited kids possess them with a depth and range not available to other children.  Spirited kids are the Super Ball in a room full of rubber balls.  Other kids bounce three feet off the ground.  Every bounce for a spirited child hits the ceiling.”

My son is a specimen to say the least.  He is strong, loves to be outside, shoot hoops, kick balls, jump on the trampoline, and basically enjoys all things physical.  He also likes tame activities such as reading books, painting, watching cartoons, snuggling with mom and dad, and playing with his trucks.  I’d say he is well-rounded and on par to be an excellent contributor to society (toot toot).

He is  also more in every sense.  He loves more, he’s more passionate, he feels more, he’s more enthusiastic, he’s more expressive…he has more energy, his meltdowns are more intense, his tantrums are more frequent, he’s more dramatic, he’s more aggressive, he’s more frustrated, more more more.

I’ve struggled with his temperament for many reasons, but mostly because I am not spirited and I did not expect such an intense child (even though my husband is 100% spirited and it makes perfect sense).  For some reason I envisioned a quiet little boy who slept 12 hours at night by the time he was 6 weeks old, never cried, always played nicely with others, and thoroughly enjoyed independent play at an early age.  I was obviously broadsided by this spectacular little guy.

A friend of mine recommended Mary’s book and it instantly struck a cord in me.  I immediately joined the Facebook group and realized that I was not the only one struggling to keep up with my sons antics.  I finally felt validated.

Since then, I’ve been taking strides to get him assessed to make sure I am not missing anything.  Most people just say that he’ll grow out of it, it’s just a phase, he’s 2 for goodness sakes, and they might be right.  We could possibly be spending all of this time and money working on some of his spirited behaviors and he might just grow out of it on his own…but what if he doesn’t.  I’m not willing to take that chance.  I’m following my intuition and if nothing else, I am figuring out how he’s coded and learning some great tools for how to address his needs.  It’s a win win.

If you see a child in the middle of a meltdown in Target, spirited or not, offer a sympathetic smile to the caregiver, maybe even a kind remark…you have no idea how a little encouragement can make such a big impression on someone’s day. A woman came up to me one day and said, “I’ve been watching you with your son and you handle him so well.  I can tell you are a great mom.” I could have cried, little did she know I needed that compliment in a bad way that day.

When I got married, I received a lot of advice from friends and family on how to lead a happy marriage…never go to bed angry, choose your battles, go on dates and keep the romance alive etc.  I have to say the best piece of advice I have ever received was to never keep score, as we should always be on the same team.  Being an athlete, this one really resonated with me.  If you are a good teammate, you never take full responsibility for a win and should always recognize and give credit to your team, even if you are the MVP.  Same goes for with a loss, each team member is responsible for that loss, even if one person in particular gave up that final point and clearly didn’t contribute as much as others.  This is all a part of playing a team sport and working together to win!

Marriage is most definitely a team sport.  We work together in nearly every aspect of our lives.  We raise our children together, we share in household responsibilities, we make decisions together, and we feel each others stress and try to compensate and hold more of a load when we can.  We also win and lose together.

I never understood what people meant when they said, “marriage is hard and requires a lot of work on both sides.”  This just seemed silly to me.  I remember thinking that this should in no way, shape, or form be considered work.  We love each other and get to spend almost every single day together for the rest of our lives, how lucky are we.  Well, now I understand…

The most difficult thing for me to do these days is to NOT keep score.  It is in my nature to feel that if I’m clearly giving a little more than my spouse is, then I expect the same in return next time.  But then there’s always that little voice in my mind that says, “what if he’s going to expect this all the time?  I need to make sure he understands that this is a one time deal.”  Yeah sure, it’s important to be gracious and do nice things to help each other out, expecting nothing in return, but I also think that expectations can be set quickly when you start taking more an more on.  I think about the older generations and see how in many instances, the women took care of most things…the cooking and cleaning, the shopping, the children, the bills, etc., and this precedent was set at the beginning of their marriages.  In my opinion, this just isn’t fair.  Unless you really find joy in doing all of these things, while your husband goes to work, comes home to play with the kids for an hour, puts his feet up with his cocktail, and maybe does some yard work on the weekends.  This is unacceptable.  I would have been a terrible 50’s housewife.

This is the deal, I’m pregnant, super pregnant, our 2 year old is extremely intense in all that he does (more posts about that later), I’m absolutely exhausted, overwhelmed, and to be honest, feeling pretty sorry for myself as I’m about to pop out another giant child.  I’m not only going to be a stay-at-home mom to 1 spirited child, but also an infant who will need to be nursed every 2 hours.  I can manage my motherly/wifely duties of picking up the house, the laundry, groceries, sometimes even dinner completed by the time my husband gets home, and other miscellaneous things that need to get done (fighting with insurance, responding to emails, Facebook scrolling), but my goodness, life can be grueling.   Some may be thinking, boo hoo, I work full-time and do everything, or try being a single parent, and you’re right, I have no idea what’s that like, but I can only speak from my experience and in my world, I’m struggling.

Though completely different, but equally as important, my husband has his own struggles…a horrendous commute (now much better thanks to the company electric car), an intense sales position that requires a lot of hours, patience and devotion.  He is the sole financial provider for this family, which puts a lot of extra weight on his shoulders, and he also gets updates throughout the day about my frustration with our 2 year old, along with requests to attend various appointments for either myself or our son.  He too has a lot going on.  So how do we keep a balance in this marriage so that both of us are happy and feel that we are each carrying equal weight, while not keeping score?

Some say, it will never be equal, one person will always do more, love more, have more responsibility.  I have a hard time with this.  I need credit and I need him to compensate when I can’t give anymore just as much as he needs me to do the same for him.  We are not selfless people, wish we were, but we aren’t.

It all comes down to finding that balance and having constant communication.  Though this sounds like a piece of cake, it definitely is not, especially when one person LOVES to communicate about every single thing and cannot let anything go without discussing it (that would be me), and the other person is not the best communicator in the world and prefers for things to go unsaid most of the time (that would be my husband).

Bottom line, marriage is hard work. Our lives are constantly changing, getting more complicated, and finding that middle ground is challenging.  There are ups and downs and curveballs coming from all angles, but the one thing that is constant is our unconditional love for each other.  I am certain that it will conquer all that comes our way.

As for keeping score, obviously I’m way ahead right now (wink wink) and that’s eating me alive, but I do know that he will come through and soon he will surpass me in hopes that I will catch up to him sooner than later.  No one wants to be a winner in this game 🙂

I had a vision of what my life would be like when I was a kid and I’d say I hit the nail on the head (minus my wish to be a librarian when I grew up).  I went to a great university, played volleyball, traveled the world, married the man of my dreams, who loves me deeply, we bought a fixer upper house in an incredible neighborhood, had a beautiful son, and we were fortunate enough that I was able to receive a promotion to stay-at-home- mom (little did I know, this would be the most difficult job I have ever had and is in no way a promotion) and experience all of his milestones first hand.  Who would have thought that this dream of mine would actually become a reality?  I guess I never really thought it wouldn’t.

The interesting thing about it all is that even though I have everything I ever dreamed of, I often think, Is this it? Is this really what I always wanted?  I have been incredibly fortunate in my life; I had a great childhood, with amazing parents, who taught me all of the values that I still hold close to me today. I have a great relationship with my 2 older brothers and their families and have wonderful friends spread throughout the world.  I have a loving in-law family, who have accepted me into their lives with open arms and hearts.  My husband works his tail off to support us so that I can be home with our son and has thankfully been financially responsible in his adult life so that our debt is minimal and our future is safe.  With all of these blessings, luck, whatever you want to call it, why in the heck do I still have these questions in my mind?  It doesn’t make any sense.  Was I tricked into the idea of the American Dream, always believing I would be happy when…?

Well, after talking to other friends and expressing my confusion to those close to me, I’ve discovered these are completely “normal” thoughts, that most people have.  I guess I was under the impression that I would feel constant bliss when all of these goals were accomplished.

What I now know is that the stuff in between those big life events that make it impossible to feel this constant bliss that I speak of…commutes, bills, sickness and deaths, stress, uncertainty, and on and on and on, that is real life.  The big events, the wedding, purchase of a home, birth of a child, those are small moments that stick with us forever and make us grateful for getting to experience this life.  They keep us going and help us to keep things in perspective.

I often have to slap myself and say, “stop it, be grateful for everything you have, you are blessed, there are so many people out there suffering for one reason or another,” sometimes this can snap me out of it, but other times I think, no matter the circumstances, it could always be worse.  I just want to throw myself a pity party, and that’s ok.

Life can be hard and messy at times, but as long as we savor the small moments, the little wins, appreciate our health when we have it, have perspective and contemplate our lives, we will have that bliss, it will just never be constant.

They say the first 50 years of our lives are for learning and the next 50 years are for living, so I’m sure I will have another perspective in the next few years, but this is where I am now.  It’s all about the small moments and I will try my best to savor them.