I had a vision of what my life would be like when I was a kid and I’d say I hit the nail on the head (minus my wish to be a librarian when I grew up).  I went to a great university, played volleyball, traveled the world, married the man of my dreams, who loves me deeply, we bought a fixer upper house in an incredible neighborhood, had a beautiful son, and we were fortunate enough that I was able to receive a promotion to stay-at-home- mom (little did I know, this would be the most difficult job I have ever had and is in no way a promotion) and experience all of his milestones first hand.  Who would have thought that this dream of mine would actually become a reality?  I guess I never really thought it wouldn’t.

The interesting thing about it all is that even though I have everything I ever dreamed of, I often think, Is this it? Is this really what I always wanted?  I have been incredibly fortunate in my life; I had a great childhood, with amazing parents, who taught me all of the values that I still hold close to me today. I have a great relationship with my 2 older brothers and their families and have wonderful friends spread throughout the world.  I have a loving in-law family, who have accepted me into their lives with open arms and hearts.  My husband works his tail off to support us so that I can be home with our son and has thankfully been financially responsible in his adult life so that our debt is minimal and our future is safe.  With all of these blessings, luck, whatever you want to call it, why in the heck do I still have these questions in my mind?  It doesn’t make any sense.  Was I tricked into the idea of the American Dream, always believing I would be happy when…?

Well, after talking to other friends and expressing my confusion to those close to me, I’ve discovered these are completely “normal” thoughts, that most people have.  I guess I was under the impression that I would feel constant bliss when all of these goals were accomplished.

What I now know is that the stuff in between those big life events that make it impossible to feel this constant bliss that I speak of…commutes, bills, sickness and deaths, stress, uncertainty, and on and on and on, that is real life.  The big events, the wedding, purchase of a home, birth of a child, those are small moments that stick with us forever and make us grateful for getting to experience this life.  They keep us going and help us to keep things in perspective.

I often have to slap myself and say, “stop it, be grateful for everything you have, you are blessed, there are so many people out there suffering for one reason or another,” sometimes this can snap me out of it, but other times I think, no matter the circumstances, it could always be worse.  I just want to throw myself a pity party, and that’s ok.

Life can be hard and messy at times, but as long as we savor the small moments, the little wins, appreciate our health when we have it, have perspective and contemplate our lives, we will have that bliss, it will just never be constant.

They say the first 50 years of our lives are for learning and the next 50 years are for living, so I’m sure I will have another perspective in the next few years, but this is where I am now.  It’s all about the small moments and I will try my best to savor them.