When I got married, I received a lot of advice from friends and family on how to lead a happy marriage…never go to bed angry, choose your battles, go on dates and keep the romance alive etc.  I have to say the best piece of advice I have ever received was to never keep score, as we should always be on the same team.  Being an athlete, this one really resonated with me.  If you are a good teammate, you never take full responsibility for a win and should always recognize and give credit to your team, even if you are the MVP.  Same goes for with a loss, each team member is responsible for that loss, even if one person in particular gave up that final point and clearly didn’t contribute as much as others.  This is all a part of playing a team sport and working together to win!

Marriage is most definitely a team sport.  We work together in nearly every aspect of our lives.  We raise our children together, we share in household responsibilities, we make decisions together, and we feel each others stress and try to compensate and hold more of a load when we can.  We also win and lose together.

I never understood what people meant when they said, “marriage is hard and requires a lot of work on both sides.”  This just seemed silly to me.  I remember thinking that this should in no way, shape, or form be considered work.  We love each other and get to spend almost every single day together for the rest of our lives, how lucky are we.  Well, now I understand…

The most difficult thing for me to do these days is to NOT keep score.  It is in my nature to feel that if I’m clearly giving a little more than my spouse is, then I expect the same in return next time.  But then there’s always that little voice in my mind that says, “what if he’s going to expect this all the time?  I need to make sure he understands that this is a one time deal.”  Yeah sure, it’s important to be gracious and do nice things to help each other out, expecting nothing in return, but I also think that expectations can be set quickly when you start taking more an more on.  I think about the older generations and see how in many instances, the women took care of most things…the cooking and cleaning, the shopping, the children, the bills, etc., and this precedent was set at the beginning of their marriages.  In my opinion, this just isn’t fair.  Unless you really find joy in doing all of these things, while your husband goes to work, comes home to play with the kids for an hour, puts his feet up with his cocktail, and maybe does some yard work on the weekends.  This is unacceptable.  I would have been a terrible 50’s housewife.

This is the deal, I’m pregnant, super pregnant, our 2 year old is extremely intense in all that he does (more posts about that later), I’m absolutely exhausted, overwhelmed, and to be honest, feeling pretty sorry for myself as I’m about to pop out another giant child.  I’m not only going to be a stay-at-home mom to 1 spirited child, but also an infant who will need to be nursed every 2 hours.  I can manage my motherly/wifely duties of picking up the house, the laundry, groceries, sometimes even dinner completed by the time my husband gets home, and other miscellaneous things that need to get done (fighting with insurance, responding to emails, Facebook scrolling), but my goodness, life can be grueling.   Some may be thinking, boo hoo, I work full-time and do everything, or try being a single parent, and you’re right, I have no idea what’s that like, but I can only speak from my experience and in my world, I’m struggling.

Though completely different, but equally as important, my husband has his own struggles…a horrendous commute (now much better thanks to the company electric car), an intense sales position that requires a lot of hours, patience and devotion.  He is the sole financial provider for this family, which puts a lot of extra weight on his shoulders, and he also gets updates throughout the day about my frustration with our 2 year old, along with requests to attend various appointments for either myself or our son.  He too has a lot going on.  So how do we keep a balance in this marriage so that both of us are happy and feel that we are each carrying equal weight, while not keeping score?

Some say, it will never be equal, one person will always do more, love more, have more responsibility.  I have a hard time with this.  I need credit and I need him to compensate when I can’t give anymore just as much as he needs me to do the same for him.  We are not selfless people, wish we were, but we aren’t.

It all comes down to finding that balance and having constant communication.  Though this sounds like a piece of cake, it definitely is not, especially when one person LOVES to communicate about every single thing and cannot let anything go without discussing it (that would be me), and the other person is not the best communicator in the world and prefers for things to go unsaid most of the time (that would be my husband).

Bottom line, marriage is hard work. Our lives are constantly changing, getting more complicated, and finding that middle ground is challenging.  There are ups and downs and curveballs coming from all angles, but the one thing that is constant is our unconditional love for each other.  I am certain that it will conquer all that comes our way.

As for keeping score, obviously I’m way ahead right now (wink wink) and that’s eating me alive, but I do know that he will come through and soon he will surpass me in hopes that I will catch up to him sooner than later.  No one wants to be a winner in this game 🙂